There is no such thing as two identical lesbians – despite the constant stereotyping that women who love women have to face on the daily. That being said, when it comes to relationship problems…it’s a lot more homogenous. The disputes that arise in lesbian relationships are basically the same across the board – if you’re a woman who is in or has ever been in a same-sex relationship, you may have experienced a few of the ones below (or all of them).
According to a survey taken by 3,500 LGBTQ women in same-sex relationships, over 50% of women claimed that they fight with their partners at least a few times a month. The good news is that women understand what it’s like to be a woman. This allows them to be more attuned to their partner’s emotions, more compassionate and more understanding. With just a little bit of insight, many of the problems same-sex female couples face can be avoided…or at the very least, reduced.
We’ll walk you through a list of five common lesbian relationship problems, and their respective solutions so that you can skip the fight, and go straight for the coveted make-up sex.
- Jumping into Things Too Quickly
Lesbians have coined the term “U-Haul Lesbians” to describe women who want to move in together (literally or emotionally) after the second or third date. Truth of the matter is…they aren’t the minority. Women in same-sex relationships have an opposite problem to that of gay men – there is a big rush to commit, and not enough casual dating. Long-term goals are often discussed early, love is sometimes professed almost immediately, and if you’re not careful, you may find yourself married within the year.
The problem with this is that after the honeymoon phase is over, you may realize that you’ve made a huge commitment with someone that isn’t the one for you. This may be one of the reasons lesbians are more than twice as likely as gay men to get divorced. Well, that, and women tend to have higher standards on relationship quality.
Solution: Taking things slow might seem difficult when you’re so infatuated – it feels amazing to give into your emotions and let the positive endorphins take over. But unless you want to end up a statistic, give it at least 6 months before making any big moves, after the honeymoon phase and the chemicals that comes with it have worn off. Don’t ignore the red flags – people don’t usually change, and if something bothers you in the first month, it’ll likely only get worse with time. But don’t stress too much – remember, if it’s real, it will last.
- Voicing Dissatisfactions as Criticism
All couples fight over universal things such as money, chores, family, pet peeves, and the famous debate of ‘who started the fight first’. But when arguments or lingering issues don’t get resolved, they can fester and turn into much larger problems.
Small dissatisfactions will manifest into new arguments, and suddenly you find yourself criticizing everything about your partner, from the way she chews to the way she sips her coffee. In turn, your partner feels overly criticized by you, and will either feel unloved, or might even fight back, making the problem even bigger.
Solution: Communication is key. If you want to have a happy and healthy relationship, you need to be unafraid to have open conversations with your partner before things really start to go South. If you keep having the same fight with your partner over who should do the laundry, try to get to the root of why it’s an issue. You might find out that your partner does it every other week because she sleeps better when the sheets smell fresh, and she just wants you to do it every once in a while. Over time, with the right communication styles, complaints will become opportunities to bring you closer as a couple, instead of threats to tear you apart.
- “Lesbian Bed Death”
Many long-term couples have problems in their sex lives, and it usually comes down to mismatched sex drives. “Lesbian Bed Death” is the term coined for when lesbian couples find themselves going for long periods of time without sex.
Solution: Start off by talking to your partner about whether this is even an issue at all. It might not be – maybe your respective intimacy quotas are being fulfilled by cuddles and sweet words. However, if both of you are feeling like something is missing sexually, then it may be time to put in work. Depending on your couple, this could mean more planning, going to a see a sex therapist, or simply trying new things in the bedroom. Don’t stop experimenting – light some candles and surprise your partner with the best sex of her life using a best strapless dildo.
- A Looming Fear of Emotional Cheating
Cheating is a fear in many relationships, and unfortunately, same-sex relationships are no different. Women are also more likely to have emotional affairs, but physical cheating does also happen. Distrust in a relationship and the fear of them cheating on you (in whatever way) is guaranteed to put a strain on any relationship.
Solution: Do your best to make your significant other feel reassured and comforted. Are you perhaps still talking to an ex? Does it make your partner uncomfortable? Is it, maybe, for good reason? Emotional cheating is one of the easiest mistakes to make, and is often one that sneaks up on you. If you find yourself confiding in someone other than your partner for most of your worries, catch yourself – discuss it with your partner, and do the most to overcome it as a couple. You may realize that there was something missing in your relationship that you weren’t facing, and now that it’s out on the table, you can work through it.
- Losing Yourself
Thanks to the societal norms that many of us women were raised with, we naturally put other people’s needs first, and it is engrained in us that we need to give ourselves up in a relationship in order to be loved.
Solution: This couldn’t be further from the truth. You don’t need to give up your hobbies, friends and interests to be loved. By nurturing your own separate lives and tending to your personal needs, you’ll each become more fulfilled, better versions of yourselves. Done right, you’re guaranteed a healthier, more loving relationship.